mukintosh

2012-01-09T11:07:00.002+08:00

Screaming but no one can hear you

Crying but no one cares

Crumbling to dust before your very eyes

I wonder how long I can keep this up

Before I lose everything and chase away everyone

2011-09-04T18:45:00.003+08:00

Where are we?

what the hell is going on?

the dust has only just begun to form

crop circles in the carpet

sinking feeling

2011-04-30T18:28:00.002+08:00

from how things just crumbled with some people, people I really treasure, I feel like such a wretch for being partially responsible for all this.

im such a mess inside right now.

2011-03-18T23:42:00.001+08:00

2011-03-17T22:16:00.000+08:00

2011-03-04T15:47:00.003+08:00

I have a disturbing lack of concern about my future, what degree I should get, the job that I want, the life I want to live etc. I don't think about those at all and that's REALLY unsettling me since I am 'coming of age'. I'm too happy go lucky for my own good. I live life in small pockets of time. Never caring about what's up 3 steps up the ladder.

Some facts about myself:

2011-02-13T20:55:00.006+08:00

I am a 3rd sergeant in BMTC's SME team! Basically a team of trainers.

I am infantry trained

As of last year I am an ISFP according to MBTI's personality test. You can take it here. Do share your results with me!

My ORD date is 25 Feb 2012

My CCA in primary school was Boys' Brigade and Athletics. Choir for sec sch and jc

I am shy and timid by nature, really!

I am also highly passive, tending to keep many of my thoughts and feelings to myself

I like it when girls wear big hairbands because I think it looks cute on (most of) them haha!

I divulge very little of myself to anyone, even to close friends

I am pretty pessimistic

I hate to say this but I think I have a low EQ.

Thus I have problems understanding people really well

Therefore, I am single!

I will be spending my valentine's day in camp -.- Not that it matters since I don't have a date anyway

I think I'm a pretty good presenter/ speaker

I have not said the "F" word in years. The last time I did was sec one. That's 6 years, beat that suckerzxz

I do not have a clear idea on what I should be in the future

I think I'm talented, but I'm a master of nothing

I am fickle and undecisive because I like to keep my options open

I have a fear of commitment

The longest I've ever liked a girl (without telling her) is a year

I vomited in the cab the first time I clubbed

I'm a lazy thinker (I don't like to follow up on my thoughts a lot lol)

My BMI is 18.7! It was below 18.1 in JC.

I have relatives living in Australia, Canada and China

Mainstream music is boring. Go have a listen to Explosions in the Sky!

I wonder a lot if I ever will get attached since I'm not very good with people. Much less a life partner. This saddens me a lot.

I have only been attached once, in sec 4. After that my hormones left me but it still hits me every now and then haha.

I hate sleeping late (past 2) so people don't like me much during a sleepover haha.

I enlisted on 26 April 2010 into Apache coy.

I weigh 57.8 kg and 1.75m tall

The fastest I ever ran for my 2.4 was 9.39. I am very proud of it!!

I dare to say that I am a natural at pull-ups because I don't train for it at all and I can do 17 on avg, max is 20. ^^

I secretly want to be an urban ninja! I'm pretty good at climbing so yea lol.

I appear serious and focused, but I'm actually full of nonsense inside hahaha.

I am a blur cock sometimes

I have 2 brothers

I wish I had a younger sister

My mother is a teacher in my secondary school. Nope she didn't teach me!

I'm skinny but I actually love food! Especially western cuisine: baked rice, steak etc.

I have a weakness for ferrero rocher chocolates

I don't have a criteria for liking girls. I just like the people I like.

I have a strange tendency to be attached to the longing instead of the fulfilment of a desire.

That's all I can think of for now!

2011-01-13T11:32:00.001+08:00

2011-01-10T23:40:00.004+08:00

Went back to CJ to pay the choir a visit today and I must say they're really in tune though they lack volume due to their small size. But still. The choir's going strong I believe. Had dinner at Ion's swensens thereafter. Caught up with them, had a few good laughs and an awesome time overall. I love the choir. Somehow I feel at home whenever I'm around them. Even after all this while. :)

I was walking home and I thought the street lights looked really pretty with its warm yellow glow and all so I took a shot of it. It was cold and rainy but the lights made me feel warm for some reason. I guess you could say I'm touched by even the simple things in life.

2011-01-09T23:52:00.003+08:00

Weee ~~

2011-01-06T21:50:00.002+08:00

Main Type	Overall Self

Did a personality test recommended by the NLP trainer and I turned out to be a type 4, the individualist. Very expected but the results reveal things about myself I'm not normally aware of.

2010-12-30T11:59:00.001+08:00

RESTLESS.

2010-12-19T20:18:00.003+08:00

I'll sing it one last time for you
Then we really have to go
You've been the only thing that's right
In all I've done

And I can barely look at you
But every single time I do
I know we'll make it anywhere
Away from here

Light up, light up
As if you have a choice
Even if you cannot hear my voice
I'll be right beside you dear

Louder louder
And we'll run for our lives
I can hardly speak I understand
Why you can't raise your voice to say

To think I might not see those eyes
Makes it so hard not to cry
And as we say our long goodbye
I nearly do

Light up...

Slower slower
We don't have time for that
All I want is to find an easier way
To get out of our little heads

Have heart my dear
We're bound to be afraid
Even if it's just for a few days
Making up for all this mess

fading sight

2010-12-19T00:08:00.011+08:00

I'm getting worse day by day. Life is dull. dreary. dry. monotonous. Sure I'm happy with my posting and my new rank but somehow it all feels so empty inside. Outside I look happy and I act okay and all but the truth is I carry a heart of ice within. I hate to admit it but I don't care about anything or anyone other than myself anymore. I hate this selfish thing I'm becoming but I don't know how to stop it. nor how I got to this position myself.

I'm just moving with the flow of life. On and on towards nothing. I think I have a problem with people. Like I can't talk to them normally, or engage them in a meaningful conversation. I'm not part of the clique anymore. Just a silent bystander. Most of the time I act like I'm part of it though I'm really disinterested. It's so empty. Why can't I just be normal?

I'm so screwed up inside.

2010-12-12T19:19:00.001+08:00

It's graduation week. It's here. 5 months into the scs experience and I've finally reached the end.

2010-12-11T22:32:00.002+08:00

Now you know why I'm in love with music.

2010-11-13T19:54:00.004+08:00

Leaving for taiwan for three weeks. This will be the longest I have EVER been away from home. Sigh. I'm gonna miss my bed and home and friends tonnes. Can't wait for taiwan to be over honestly. I know people say it's going to be a fun time and all but really? An 8 day field camp plus a 4 day navigation test?? I'm worried. I'll be getting field appointments as well so I can't just go thru the motions and pass.. Maybe it's all just a bunch of mind stuff. You know, 'cause I tend to exaggerate my fears a lot. It's a weakness of mine. Maybe.

Still it's gonna be tough. 3 weeks without the internet! Unthinkable by today's standards.

I just wanna get over taiwan and pass out as a commander. Quick. Asap.

Gonna miss you most.

guilty?

2010-11-10T12:41:00.009+08:00

I'm feeling...down as usual. Well what happened was not really my fault I should say. .I missed a live firing session due to cough and fever so I took medical leave. It so happened that I was scheduled to be the machine gunner. (Which means piloting an 11.4 kg heavy big-ass shredder and carrying it up and down knolls and difficult terrain for a platoon mission) Someone had to take my place. Naturally that person would be really pissed off since he was doing shit that he wasn't supposed to do. On a weekend I might add.

When I came back on monday night I felt... I don't know if it's correct. Maybe it's psychological but anyhow I felt ostracised. I felt a divide between myself and the section though the chasm ran deeper with the MG team members. Even when I explained to them that I was genuinely ill, (it's not in my blood to malinger since I've never gotten a single status in aslc before) I felt that they shrugged it off as a lie. I fully acknowledge that they had to go thru shit in my place but I felt hurt. It's as if they took it as I spent my medical leave away in a club partying and enjoying myself to no end in the city whilst they grit their teeth and shiver in the biting cold in the jungles far away because the truth is I did not. I remembered my buddies on sunday night. I simply went to church and then went back home to rest. I had their suffering in my mind.

I don't feel like writing any more.

2010-10-18T16:58:00.004+08:00

I've been hooked onto indie music recently thanks to Jing Ming. It all started when he showed me 2 songs, Young Blood and Sometimes by The Naked and Famous and Miami horror respectively. What magnetised me was the blissful freedom the songs depicted. Watching the music vid makes me feel and want the freedom they enjoy so badly. You know, running around in a place no one knows where, drawing crazy things with sparklers, travelling aimlessly with no one around to stop you or hinder your desires.

No deadlines. No superiors. No limits. No pressure. It's time under your complete control.

I guess that is why I find indie music so appealing, not to mention its off-the-road style which makes it sound so fresh and novel. It offers a breakaway from the cliched music from mainstream artists.

2010-10-01T21:11:00.004+08:00

I'm actually happy for once. Like really. Echo owns Alpha and Hotel. Making the switch from Hotel was one of the best decisions I have ever made though it's a pity only 2 of us were successful. Nonetheless, I am blessed with good buddies and commanders.

Looking forward to the days ahead. :)

2010-09-12T09:38:00.001+08:00

Weekend guard duty is not a joke at all. It sucks in every way imaginable.

2010-09-03T19:50:00.004+08:00

I am in a period of extreme weakness. Right now I just don't feel like talking to anybody or seeing anyone. I'm just so disappointed with my posting. And I'm disappointed with God. Why me out of everyone else? Why did all my friends get better postings than I did? Why send me to the infantry of all other vocations? Why send me alone? Why God why?

I want to roll up into a ball and cry. Call me a pussy. Label me whatever you want. It doesn't matter because you don't know what it feels like to be in my place.

2010-08-22T20:38:00.005+08:00

I find it really sad that I can't talk to my female friends like steph and jo normally any more because of a lack of common topics to talk about. The girls have moved on to university while I'm thoroughly absorbed in the army. All I know and talk about is army army army and they don't understand. Sigh, I feel so detached from reality and friends. I feel like I don't belong anywhere.

2010-08-15T17:30:00.002+08:00

Can you believe it? Only three more weeks and I'll be done with my foundation term in scs. Actually it's even lesser syllabus-wise because we only have urban ops and a navigation exercise left to go. So that means I'm 70% done. Time has indeed flown.

2010-08-10T10:36:00.000+08:00

maybe i know somewhere
deep in my soul
that love never lasts
and we've got to find other ways
to make it alone
keep a straight face
and i've always lived like this, keeping a comfortable distance
and up until now i had sworn to myself that I'm content with loneliness
because none of it was ever worth the risk

But you are the only exception

and i'm on my way to believing;

2010-07-25T20:27:00.001+08:00

You're notoriously difficult to forget.

2010-07-25T20:22:00.000+08:00

2010-07-25T00:06:00.003+08:00

Stand there, watch me burn myself out.

2010-07-18T19:11:00.004+08:00

This is a song which I feel is rather relevant to me because it speaks of enduring to the end even when the going gets tough. Through his amazing grace, he sustains us and gives us the strength to continue on till the day we finally see him face to face. It also reminds me of what I'm living for. It isn't for a higher rank. It isn't to be the best trainee in the company. Yes these are good things to aim for but they should not make me forget that I'm living for God and it is by his word I should live my life.

2010-07-18T12:07:00.004+08:00

Sigh I REALLY don't want to book in tonight. SCS hasn't really been what I've been hoping it would be. It's boring, mundane and not as fun as other people have reckoned it to be. bummer. By the way it's gonna be a long week for me because I'm up for duty next saturday. DOUBLE sigh :(

2010-07-16T23:04:00.002+08:00

"Don't ask me why I keep staring into blank space. That is the time I'm thinking of you."

2010-07-11T12:12:00.000+08:00

It really, really hurts.

2010-07-11T09:17:00.004+08:00

I try to convince myself that I'm fine and I am when I have company with me. All the laughing, joking and army talk seems to be the panacea for anything but when I get back home again and the dust settles, it comes back to haunt me and it hurls my mind back to where I started off. I wish none of this had happened. I wish I was loveless. I'd be a robot or a humanoid or an alien or whatever you call me but at least I'd feel less lost and confused and lonely all the time. I know I ought not to hold on anymore since it is in vain but I still do thanks to a foolish heart. That hope was lost long ago, long ago and I really need myself to believe in it to spare myself from more pain. Now.

2010-07-10T11:24:00.002+08:00

This is the rank which I will be pinning onto the front of my uniform in 5 - 6 months time. Me is gonna be a sergeant!

2010-07-08T14:05:00.002+08:00

I need a catharsis, quick. Before I die from all this shit I'm keeping inside.

2010-07-05T21:12:00.007+08:00

I'll be on leave till next monday so this is roughly what's up ahead for me. No cruise sadly because going for one would mean sacrificing an entire month's allowance. I'm fine just resting at home anyway.

Universal Studios
Eclipse
Toy story 3
Back to school to get my cert
Maybe a stayover or two

Oh a new cover too if I feel like it.

2010-07-02T22:25:00.004+08:00

Bmt's been one heck of a wild ride and though there were many times of difficulty, I must say I have had a very memorable and fulfilling experience that I believe only my company and platoon, Apache platoon 1, can bring. I could not ask for better commanders and peers. Goodbye bmt!

2010-06-26T11:06:00.002+08:00

You've gotta love coldplay.

2010-06-21T20:52:00.010+08:00

Feeling refreshed, recharged and all ready to go back to camp tomorrow. I'm so glad the doctor gave me 3 days of leave really. Mostly spent the time just sleeping and reading. Nothing much, but I can't express how much I appreciate being able to do simple things like this at my own discretion. (OTOT haha)

Oh the last IPPT was conducted today by the way. Sigh. Looks like I'm leaving BMT with a disappointing silver. Not to mention a reduced chance of going to command school. Speaking of command school I'm not sure if my intentions of going there are even right to begin with. In all honesty I want to be a commander because of the amount of freedom that my current commanders enjoy. I don't want to be the one standing in line like an idiot while my superior casually indulges in a chocolate waffle in front of me for forever. I want to be as free as they are. Which recruit doesn't?

2010-06-19T16:11:00.005+08:00

Vomiting, diahorrea, sore throat and fever. God do I feel terrible to the core. Ah well at least the doctor's given me three days of attend c.

It just sucks that I'll be missing the last IPPT, aka my last chance to get a gold. Maybe I'm just not fated to get it. That, among other things.

It's so much easier to frown at life sometimes.

Highlights of the past week:

16 click route march
Judgemental shooting (Y)
The ins and outs of guard duty
SOC 200 and 400m run down
IPPT 3

2010-06-13T22:42:00.001+08:00

I dont know if you do, but I miss you. And I always will.

9.44

2010-06-12T10:48:00.007+08:00

I've got to get an IPPT gold. Even if it means depriving myself of yummy snacks and junk food for the next 2 weeks or so and running every night every book out. It's not only because I want to enter command school, I want to prove to myself that I'm capable of breaking a 3 year no-gold drought. I'm sick and tired of being short changed of a gold because of 2.4 when all my other stations are perfect. Screw silver.

Anyway I'll have to run under 9.45 to achieve that and I currently stand at 10.34. It's quite a distance I know but I've come a long way from 12.30. I can do this!

Highlights of the past week:

Live Range
Games day practice

2010-06-06T00:46:00.005+08:00

Whoopee the only high key events left are live range and the final 24 km route march. The best part is that none of them are outfield events so no more stinky long fours and wet socks.

And it's just 26 more days to POP. oh yeaa. I've gotta reward myself with a cruise vacation or something of that sort during block leave because right now I'm really dying for a break from all things related to army. Army's like a poison sometimes I swear. Except that you won't ever die from it. Nor are you ever completely alive.

K la it isn't that bad. But I could really do with a nice and looong cruise vacation once I'm out of here.

On a side note I think there's something more to Lady gaga than meets the the eye. I always thought there was something weird and scary about her. And this article I came across confirms it. But do make your own conclusions.

Highlights of the past week:

Sit-test
12 click route march
Hand grenade throwing

2010-06-02T22:41:00.001+08:00

gg down under. give me the strength to carry on god. please.

2010-05-30T10:27:00.006+08:00

I have been such a fool
To have believed in a lie all this while
Wallowing in an illusory fantasy
Frolicking in phantom water
Only to know at the end
That it was all in vain

I have been such a fool.

bildungsroman

2010-05-29T17:17:00.006+08:00

In all my brilliance I screwed up my laptop by trying to repair it on my own. Now it's completely nuts because it can't load Vista nor boot from a recovery disc even. Sigh. Ah well at least my younger bro is willing to lend me his for the meantime while my father sends it for professional repair.

There are bigger things to be depressed about though. For one I've not gotten any reply from any of the local unis so it pretty much means that my future will be a path paved by a private university. Or an overseas one. Oh wait money doesn't fall from the sky so there's also a chance that I went to JC for nothing.

Many things have changed too, to say the least. The worst part is knowing that you can't turn back the clock, that you're left only with memories and you just have to live as it is. God I really miss everything. Especially europe when we found out we got 2 golds. And the ecstasy that followed as we sang and danced on the streets back to the hotel under the cool winter rain. I could never forget that.

I still do, I still do.

2010-05-27T21:37:00.004+08:00

Field camp's over and man am I glad it is!

Highlights of the past week:

8 click route march
Field camp!

2010-05-16T10:13:00.015+08:00

Dear God,

God I come before you today to give thanks to you for being with me every step of the way the past 2 weeks. I thank you for being my pillar of strength when I felt weary and exhausted, my lighthouse when I felt lost and my close friend when I felt lonely and utterly miserable. You were God in my weaknesses.

As I book in tonight, I pray that you will to sustain and guide me even more in the next 2 weeks as I will be entering a more difficult phase of bmt since my 2 weeks of adjustment are over. Give me a resilient heart and mind that will not falter in times of sheer hardship. Endow me with the ability to focus even when under heavy pressure too. Grant me also, a compassionate heart so that I will not just care for myself, but for my bunk and company mates as well. I pray also that you will give my commanders the wisdom and foresight necessary to carry out their plans smoothly and efficiently.

Most of all, I pray for safety especially during field camp next week. I pray that everyone will remember their clearing drills well so that no one will be hurt during any live firing practices outfield. Guard us also from any dangerous animals that may lurk around and attack us at night. I pray you will give us good weather too so that our trainings can carry on safely and also smoothly.

I pray also for my good friends in other platoons and companies namely, Brian, Caleb, Sam, Jing Ming and Jeremy. Give them the strength you gave me. Hold them in their tiredness and bless them in whatever they do. May they also be good examples to their company mates and may their sergeants be reasonable to them in their punishments.

In Jesus' name

Amen.

Highlights of the past 2 weeks:

National Service Oath
Rifle drawing ceremony
Technical handling
Range demo
IPPT 1
4 click route march (SBO)
6 click route march

2010-05-13T13:05:00.004+08:00

God has blessed me richly. My bunk mates are friendly, helpful and caring, my sergeants are lenient but also reasonably strict, my platoon gets to go first for most things because we're platoon one, I only have to climb 1 level when I forget to take something and the food in tekong isn't bad at all. Physical trainings are tiring but pretty manageable. Nothing too difficult thus far. oh and it turns out that my pre bmt night runs have boosted my stamina and fitness quite a bit cos I managed to run below 11 mins for 2.4 (at long last!) on my 1st ippt test. And, I got an A for everything else.

So life in the army has been a bearable and somewhat enjoyable experience so far, and with my fingers crossed, I hope that it'll stay this way.

You gave me hope when hope was lost.

2010-04-25T20:35:00.003+08:00

Just a simple cover of one of the best coldplay songs ever. I'm sorry if it's a little shabby or not super impressive because i wanted to do this as a parting song for the civilian life which i'm about to leave after tonight but it's just too bad I hatched this idea a little late so I've practically had zero time to practice. But anyhow, I hope you'll like it!

It really is such a shame for us to part.

2010-04-24T01:29:00.003+08:00

sighs im really sad that my keyboard's spoilt (using the on screen keyboard nw but it's horrible cos it's soo slow!) cos there are a few things i really want to blog about now.

2010-04-23T13:16:00.001+08:00

2010-04-20T21:47:00.003+08:00

I was feeling pretty bored the past few days so I decided to doodle my time away.

The Scientist

2010-04-16T23:47:00.003+08:00

Come up to meet you, tell you I'm sorry

You don't know how lovely you are

I had to find you
Tell you I need you
Tell you I've set you apart

Tell me your secrets
And ask me your questions
Oh, let's go back to the start

Running in circles
Coming up tails
Heads on the science apart

Nobody said it was easy
It's such a shame for us to part
Nobody said it was easy
No one ever said it would be this hard

Oh take me back to the start

I was just guessing
At numbers and figures
Pulling the puzzles apart

Questions of science
Science and progress
Do not speak as loud as my heart

Oh tell me you love me
Come back and haunt me
Oh and I rush to the start

Running in circles
Chasing our tails
Coming back as we are

Nobody said it was easy
Oh, it's such a shame for us to part
Nobody said it was easy
No one ever said it would be so hard

I’m going back to the start

Oh ooh ooh ooh ooh
Ah ooh ooh ooh ooh
Oh ooh ooh ooh ooh
Oh ooh ooh ooh ooh

This song doesn't necessarily reflect the circumstances I'm in currently. I just felt like posting this because I always love the way it makes me feel. We may not feel the same thing but anyhow, I hope you will feel something you can appreciate, like I did.

What makes us human.

2010-04-15T14:45:00.010+08:00

12 days to NS and life just has to drop a really big surprise on me but what can I say? Life can be pretty unpredictable. Perhaps even to the most reclusive of people. So I shouldn't be surprised that life is surprising.

It's so hard a surprise to swallow though because I'm feeling pretty confused as to how I should continue from here. My heart and head are pulling in different directions and it's making me feel really torn honestly. Being a feeling thinker, I am more inclined towards the latter but I also want my emotions to have a bigger say in this because my emotions are what make me human. I want to feel. I want to give. I don't want to be loveless like a robot is.

Is it right for me to have something like this (if it's even possible), in a time like this?

Yellow

2010-04-09T13:13:00.009+08:00

Since I only have 17 days left till I enter a completely new phase of life, I thought I'd share with you guys how I'm preparing myself for it. This is pretty much what I do in my spare time when I'm not chatting on msn or facebooking.

Strength training

1st exercise: Bicep curl

2nd exercise: Shoulder press

3rd exercise: Chest press

4th exercise: Tricep kickback

5th exercise: Some thing I made up and don't know what to call it haha. Works the shoulders and wings

6th exercise: Pull ups

I try to do between 6 - 8 sets of 8 - 10 reps for each exercise everyday, depending on how strong I feel.

Cardiovascular Training

Speed training - 3 km (striving for under 15 minutes. Currently 17, yes I know I'm slow)

Endurance training - 4.6 km (Striving for under 25 mins. Currently 28)

Running is really tough. But I rather suffer now so that I can at least build up a base stamina which I can work comfortably with in NS than go for weekend assassinating remedial trainings. How am I to chill out, go for cell, facebook and msn if I don't have my weekends?

Diet

Protein pumped foods such as tuna and eggs.

Wholemeal bread for fibre and other nutrients. I hate vegetables so this pretty much functions as a fibre substitute.

Omega 3 pills that supposedly give you an IQ boost. I don't think it's working but ah well. Mum's already bought it!

If Only

2010-04-06T14:18:00.006+08:00

Why do you have to do this now? You're like a car speeding through a highway of red lights and stop signs. They used to be green, but the roads are closing down now because the city's people are moving on to a new phase of their lives. You're going in the opposite direction.

But there might still be hope.

"If only - These must be the two saddest words in the world."

2010-04-05T17:54:00.003+08:00

Will I leave so little faith in myself? I have a tonne of faith in others, be they family, friends and acquaintances alike but when it comes to myself, faith is scarce.

Aren't the people I believe in just as imperfect as I am? Why should I have more faith in someone who's just a little less flawed than I am?

I need faith. And I'll find it. Just this once. Just this chase.

2010-04-03T12:49:00.002+08:00

You know you have the hots for someone when she doesn't have to do anything to you but yet you feel entirely consumed by her. She affects you enough as she is.

Crescendo

2010-03-16T09:53:00.005+08:00

My bumper list of things to do before thursday:

1. Borrow winter wear (scarf, windbreaker, winter jacket,beanie, gloves)
2. Get drugs from pharmacy
3. Buy formal wear (white long sleeves + black pants)
4. Pay for university application using mum's credit card
5. Buy photo paper for frisbee day's invitation card

Czech and Vienna in 2 days!

And just to update you all, I did pretty okay for the A's. It isn't excellent but it sure is a miracle for me haha.

CAN'T WAIT FOR PRAGUE!

Faith

2010-03-04T21:56:00.005+08:00

I screwed up so badly during choir practice today. I don't know, I just didn't feel right. The phlegm in my throat, my croaky voice, my lack of focus, the stupid heat, my stiff shoulders, the bad news, and the constant thought of tomorrow.

That's right, results.

I haven't been thinking much about what I'd get because I knew I seriously freaked up some of my papers.

Math was a shocker.

Econs was a killer.

Lit was weird.

I wouldn't say that chem and gp were hard but they weren't exactly a breeze either. So what I did after the A's was to simply try and forget about how much shit I'd gotten into.

Distracted myself.

Played my life away.

But there's no running away no more. Tomorrow's the day I snap out of my little fantasy world and make real hard choices for myself.

Choices, if there will even be any.

I can't change things that are already set in stone, but I can prepare myself for the revelation of my life tomorrow. Hustle up, stay and be strong Mark. Trust God. He surprised you once. Pray He'll do it again, for the better.

Heartwarmer

2010-02-26T11:43:00.006+08:00

Life's been such a heartwarming joy to me recently. It's not the joy I feel when I'm sucking on a lollipop and my tongue goes all tingly and I feel happy. It's a deeper kind of joy I feel. A joy which no physical material can bring. The kind of joy that permeates you from the outside in and energises you to the point you see things in a different light, a good healthy light.

I always thought I could find joy from within myself. Given my introverted nature, I thought I was all I needed. But no, how wrong I am. Man is not an island. Why should I be an exception? I've found my joy. It is when I'm with my good friends. When I'm with people. Not when I'm alone and bleeding.

2010-02-18T23:00:00.001+08:00

2010-02-17T20:02:00.002+08:00

I don't wanna grow up =/

2010-02-09T11:25:00.006+08:00

I can't do this.

You're asking me to give something that I cannot and I ought not to feel guilty about it because I'm neither obliged nor able to.

But even so, I feel the pain you do, and it wrecks grief on my heart to see you bleed like this.

Pray, save your tears, because it is in foolishness that you feel like this.

2010-02-01T00:27:00.002+08:00

2010-01-23T11:02:00.001+08:00

"His sense of duty was no less than yours, I deem. I wonder what his name is, where he came from, and if he was really evil at heart. What lies or threats led him on this long march from home. If he would not rather have stayed there... in peace." - Faramir

Future prospects

2010-01-20T22:25:00.013+08:00

Pardon my absence, I have been busy of late. Busy with what? Well, some would call it bumming around. :D But it doesn't count as doing nothing because I am still busy doing something, though it may reap no financial reward. (which by the way is how almost everyone I know defines as actually doing something)

Anyway, seriously, this is what I've been, and will be up to for the next 4 months :

Choir

So it seems that some chapters in my school life have been reopened and revisited but I harbour no regret or apprehension in going back (so far) because choir practices have been quite a joy to attend. Mr toh's just so darn nice to the juniors and I can't understand why! I remember how he used to berate my batch so badly that choir practices became such a dread to attend really. But anyway, I'm glad to return and serve once again. Czech and Austria, here we come!

Church

It's only the beginning of 2010 and already, I'm starting to sense a great change in the way God wants me to serve Him. Firstly, I will no longer be a regular member as I chose (along with the jay3s) to serve as an Assistant Cell group leader. It may not sound like much but it is quite a big deal if you think about it thoroughly. To mention briefly, I have to be an exemplary example- a reflection of Christ and his teachings for the people not just in my Cell group but for everyone in the church as well. I do not want any of my actions to stumble the faith of my fellow friends and juniors so it's quite apparent to me that I have to change the way I do some things for the glory of Christ.

Secondly, and I say this with great delight, I am now part of the Senior Youth Cell group (SYC). A lot of people have been commenting that it'll be weird since we'll be joining people who really are quite senior compared to us. I'm talking about a 5-6 years age gap difference and a bunch of people we are hardly acquainted with. Yea it might be a little weird initially but I think this is the change I've been looking for all this while in church. I don't mean to belittle the times I had in the YE but I think it's great that I'm finally joining the SYC because I think I will find better spiritual nourishment there -People that take christianity seriously and people who are mature in their thoughts and answers. I really need that kind of direction and seniority in this short interim that I have, the last before the storm comes aka: ARMY so that I will be well prepared for the (deep breath) big future.

Thank God for the changes he has made!

Friends

I don't realise how many friends I've lost over the years, I don't understand how people I used to know so intimately can just fade away like how sand seeps through the fingers of a clenched fist and only a few grains remain. Tracing them back is not my chief intention, rather, I intend to treasure the few friends whom I still have and be the best friend I could possibly be to them. I know I can't be everybody's best friend, but that is not my obligation. What I am obliged to do, is to be the best I can be to them.

Character

I am changing, deep in the inside. I know I am because I sense things differently now. It's like coming out of a cave I never knew I was in, but the difference now is that I actually know it's there and that means I can make a choice - Step out of it, or remain as I am.

It isn't easy to make such a choice because I have been so acclimatised to the darkness of my entombment. Am I more a lover of the dark rather than the light? I know which answer is more acceptable but it is not what I know in the inside that counts, but what I choose to do and manifest.

To quote a friend, "You can't dream and imagine a character for yourself. You have to hammer and forge yourself into one."

I remain as my biggest conundrum!

=-/

So there you have it, my map for the journey to come. This is 2010, the year of change for me. For better or worse? I'm about to find out.

Goodnight world :)

2010-01-10T10:41:00.003+08:00

The ships have sailed,

The people have gone,

But I'm still here,

Waiting on.

For what?

I do not know.

2009-12-02T11:58:00.010+08:00

Contrary to popular opinion, I'm not as emo as you people make me out to be. The reason why I appear so thoroughly melancholic is because I only blog/tweet when I can no longer bear the intensity of my frenzied thoughts, which are so unfortunately, frequently wistful and sorrowful in nature, though I do have more happy moments than I care to admit through blogging. But anyhow, I hope my blog doesn't leave you with the sole impression that I'm purely just a melancholic, brooding kid who thinks life sucks and what not because I am definitely more sprightly in reality than my online persona conveys me to be. :)

Studying for paper 4 has made me question some things, happiness especially. Perhaps the people dwelling in the lower, 'imbecilic' echelons of society in the World State really are happier than those above them, the Alpha Pluses for instance. The happiness that both former and latter possess is purely physical; a titillating, ticklish and drug-induced simulacra of happiness, but what sets the Alphas apart from the rest are their more acutely developed, cerebral abilities which imbue them somewhat, with the potential to realise the falsity and the superficiality of their own happiness and existences, just as Helmholtz exemplified in the Brave New World when he subtly feels the banality of his own purpose: "...I sometimes get, a feeling that I've got something important to say and the power to say it- only I don't know what it is, and I can't make any use of the power."

I find it striking because I don't know which I would rather have, would I rather be perpetually imprisoned in an imbecilic happiness and be unaware of it, or be intelligent enough to realise and escape the meaninglessness of it all? Would I be better off even if I managed to escape?

In Mond's words,

"The optimum population," said Mustapha Mond, "is modelled on the iceberg–eight-ninths below the water line, one-ninth above."

"And they're happy below the water line?"

"Happier than above it."

2009-11-17T23:39:00.004+08:00

My heart is heavy laden but my words seem incapable of conveying the full breadth of my frenzied thoughts and feelings. I feel stumped as to how I should even start writing this post, thus I shall end it here. Sorry.

Because our Dreams dwell in an Infinite Sky

2009-11-01T22:59:00.006+08:00

To strive for a dream is to work towards the heavens because our dreams dwell in an infinite sky. It's about painstakingly laying the heavy steps little by little, one at a time, till we finally build the bridge that connects sky with earth, infinity with reality, the one time where dream and reality stand as one, irrevocable and forever true.

2009-10-27T20:38:00.001+08:00

suffocating darkness

2009-10-22T23:36:00.002+08:00

Follow me on twitter instead =)

2009-10-14T20:53:00.005+08:00

What is certain in this tremulous period is that I'm uncertain of where I am, what I am headed for and the future that awaits me. What gets me so anxious is that my future literally hinges on the choices I make today. Make or break, as Liang Hui puts it!

Note: I'm thinking of revoking my decision to blog everyday as it is becoming a bit of a distraction for me. If I do, I'll document this shitty A lvl journey on my facebook status updates instead. So yea, this is where I say a goodbye to you, dear faithful reader, unless I choose to continue posting here.

2009-10-12T20:00:00.005+08:00

It never feels like I've studied enough. Every time I complete something i'm like OH THAT'S ENOUGH FOR THE DAY LETS SLACK OFF and guess what? I plunge into a study account deficit ie: play> study = never feels like I'm studying enough.

Okay rantings aside, this is what I have accomplished today:

1. 2007 GP Compre

2. Complex Numbers

3. Vectors

Death

2009-10-09T21:34:00.022+08:00

I was deeply affected by the discussions about death between my classmates today. What it encompassed was generally this: Would you cry over a person's death? And if you did cry, why?

I found the discussion deeply moving because it forced me to question how much I really treasure the people around me, family, friends and acquaintances alike. Thus far I have not cried on a single occasion during the death of a person within my social loci. But today held me at gunpoint - Why do I display such little emotion even in the event of something as serious as death? Say for instance, my grandfather who passed away some time after the millennium. During the entire proceeding, (referring to the cremation, urning and so on) I did not shed a single tear of sadness over the passing of my grandfather although I did feel some pressure to do so as my parents and relatives were all in a profound state of grief and sorrow. So why didn't I cry? Did I not love my grandfather enough? Did he not give me enough grapes -McDonald treats -and hong-baos? He had done a considerable amount for me, yet, am I being loveless by not being able to spontaneously mourn his passing?

Shalini suggested that it could be part of my nature or personality to refrain from expressing my emotion in a manner that is outward and external. But there was little reason why I should have to refrain from crying during my grandfather's death. I am certain my nature and character can make exceptions to my usual emotional passivity in times of great duress, if I love the deceased person dearly enough. In other words, (but still only hypothetically) I did not cry because I did not love my grandfather and the other people who have died in my life, enough.

You are perhaps right in saying that I just haven't reached a higher state of maturity - a state by which my love for someone is intimately entwined to my own being, and for which, I will cry my entire soul and heart out in the occasion of that someone's death. But I hope you imply that I will reach such a stage eventually, whether at 25, 50 or 70 alike, because I abhor the loveless monster I seem to be today.

Love

2009-10-06T21:21:00.005+08:00

Love is a seed that starts small but grows readily as it is fed correctly. Over time it burgeons beautifully into a young, sprightly plant full of vigour. Then comes the bitter winter when the young plant shrivels till it becomes a spiritless shell in the chilling blizzard. But winter's cold has to one day give way to summer's warmth. The withered plant then becomes revived with a fresh lease of life, toughened by the ravages from the winter it had just braved.

As the years pass, the young plant eventually matures. It no longer sways flippantly in the strong winter gale. Its weak stems are now solid wood: Robust, firm and impervious to adversity.

Love in many respects is like the story of the seed. It is not something that can be cultivated to perfection within a day. It is not realised in a glance. It is a process. It is a bittersweet journey of unspeakable joys and wrecking heartbreaks but each time, it grows stronger and stronger till one day, it becomes perfect.

2009-10-04T22:52:00.002+08:00

GOTTA (PUSH PUSH PUSH)^3 MYSELF (MORE MORE MORE)^3

2009-10-03T12:50:00.004+08:00

I continue to walk the path that belies me, whether or not it leads to the light or the darkness, I have no way of knowing, but I walk all the same.

One thing I'm beginning to realise about myself: I am becoming ego-centric. The worst thing is that I'm using my introversion as an excuse for this: that my introversion justifies my self-pride, self-reliance, self-dependence and. . Selfishness.

I shouldn't be like that.

2009-09-29T20:07:00.005+08:00

It's that knot you feel in the pit of your stomach when you receive results you do not expect. You feel like murdering your insides because you realise that even your best efforts have showed dismal signs of fruition. And then that turning point comes when suddenly you know you have not really been trying all that hard the entire term leading up to the prelim. This is when some perceptible light at the end of the dark tunnel shines through; a sign that not all hope is lost. A sign of hope even in its faintest glimmer. It is hope worth fighting for.

All that is gold does not glitter,

Not all those who wander are lost;

The old that is strong does not wither,

Deep roots are not reached by the frost.

From the ashes a fire shall be woken,

A light from the shadows shall spring;

Renewed shall be blade that was broken,

The crownless again shall be king

2009-09-28T23:38:00.002+08:00

We differed in every aspect but one.

We loved.

I'm not in love. Just thought this sounded pretty epic.

2009-09-26T11:09:00.000+08:00

But our love was stronger by far than the love
Of those who were older than we
Of many far wiser than we
And neither the angels in heaven above,
Nor the demons down under the sea,
Can ever dissever my soul from the soul
Of the beautiful Annabel Lee.
For the moon never beams without bringing me dreams
Of the beautiful Annabel Lee;
And the stars never rise but I feel the bright eyes
Of the beautiful Annabel Lee;
And so, all the night-tide, I lie down by the side
Of my darling, my darling, my life and my bride,
In the sepulcher there by the sea,
In her tomb by the sounding sea.

2009-09-23T23:03:00.003+08:00

I feel downcast, as low as the fiery pits of hell. A part of me wants to just burst out in a rage of violent fury while another wants me to keep a hold of myself for my own sake.

That's just 2/100 parts of me.

2009-09-22T23:24:00.002+08:00

There is an uneasy restlessness in the earth beneath me,
The ground I stand on silently masks an unspoken fear.
No one can feel it but I know it's there all the same.

2009-09-21T00:05:00.003+08:00

I've been your good friend. Just not as good you'd like me to be.

2009-09-19T10:26:00.006+08:00

I'm glad the prelims are over - no doubt. But this anti-climactic feeling now pervades my now...."purposeless" existence. Now I'm just hanging around the net trying to find something to do, attempting to find solace in an array of things which serve to do nothing except deepen this embedded dread of mine further.

I don't like being cooped up at home anymore. I want to play a sport. If there's something that brings me out of my usual self, it's an intense sport. I don't expect many to perceive me as an adrenaline junkie given my reserved, goody-stay-at-home-mummy's-boy nature. But this is not just what I am. And I prove it through sport.

Frisbee, Ping pong anyone?

2009-09-19T09:59:00.000+08:00

Everyone remembers me as a nice guy. That's it really.

:We are ODST:

2009-09-16T21:48:00.003+08:00

My new desktop :) Wallpaper credit goes to desktopography.net

Hence. Thus. Therefore.

2009-09-14T22:58:00.007+08:00

Wow I feel really impressed by the sheer eloquence and fluency that my fellow literature peers demonstrate in their essays even under pressing conditions. What steals me away are their abilities to string many of their thoughts, points and arguments altogether in a coherent, succinct but in no way diluted, manner.

Perhaps I am in dire need of a writing style 'makeover'. . . I write too rigidly. Too often I find my sentences punctuated by "hence", "therefore", "thus", "as such", "since", "consequently" And who the hell uses words like compounding, momentary and dynamics in a blog post?

You get the point. It makes me sound Boring. Formal. Mechanical. Dead. Superfluously logical. I can't keep letting this hinder what needs to be expressed fluidly.

2009-09-13T23:06:00.004+08:00

Truth's out. I'm feeling the weight of my compounding lack of study..and I'm regretting it. ahhhhh

But I believe in miracles.

The reason to be Cryptic

2009-09-12T22:47:00.008+08:00

Yesterday I affirmed myself that there are some things in life at this point, that are not worth pursuing. Or, they could be worth pursuing, just that they aren't appropriate just yet- given the ongoing circumstances. But I still do suffer the superficial consequence of my will, that is, the momentary delaying of gratification till a later time. And I can handle that.

You probably wouldn't understand what I am referring to, and I do not expect you to be lucidly clear about it. You could guess though, and I like it when you guess. It imbues me with a moment of power - power because I know something that you don't. Power because only I hold the key to your questions.

2009-09-10T21:28:00.008+08:00

I find math really, really hard. :( Could it be because I am logically challenged? If so, then what is it that fuels the way I think? Emotion? Intuition?

And if supposedly I am not logically challenged, how differently would I behave? Would I be smarter? More objective in thinking? Would I have a weaker flair for writing?

Or am I just unable to do math because I am plain stupid?

2009-09-10T00:06:00.003+08:00

Tonight's gonna be a good night.

Tonight was a good night. :)

Watery Resolve

2009-09-07T22:57:00.005+08:00

Maybe I should just cease with all this internal bull shit, the stuff I keep blogging. About how much I pretend to know myself when in truth I am only being consumed by the specters of my own lies.The way I feel about myself has always only been approximate. Like a pendulum that swings timelessly in both extremes. Ceaselessly Fluid. Mercurial. Capricious. Feelings I cannot put a finger on no matter how hard I try to.

It's hard enough understanding the world around you. It's even harder knowing yourself...

September 7 2009

2009-09-07T15:43:00.006+08:00

I was pondering a little deeper about my personality over the weekend and I now consider it a possibility that I could have been an extrovert all this while, albeit one who is (very) shy. If it wasn't shyness that propelled my apparent introversion, it was probably willful choice - The conscious choice to exclude myself from whatever social activity for whatever reasons.

Damn, I could have been masking my true self all this while and didn't even know that I was. This is truly an epic moment for me.

"Know thyself"

2009-09-04T23:25:00.003+08:00

People change when you converse with them one on one.

2009-09-02T17:11:00.003+08:00

Whoever planned that we should have 4 of the most heavyweight subjects in a span of 2 days obviously did not have student welfare in mind. That's CJ's genius for you.

2009-08-28T23:56:00.005+08:00

It seems to be an unspoken fact that everyone's entitled to 1 'ponning ticket' per term judging from how people in my class never have 100% attendance. Save for Isaiah I think. haha. Anyway I used my 'ticket' on thursday and guess what? I get an uber long weekend because today (friday) was a study break for us. Ahh but it's not like I get to use the time to play or anything...Prelims are on *sobs* Monday.

:(

2009-08-27T13:55:00.005+08:00

Gazing out the windows during a heavy downpour makes me feel profoundly melancholic.The masking out of every other sound by the constant 'pitter patter' from the myriad thousands of raindrops, is soothing and tender on the sanguine soul.

God I love the rain.